The Importance of Connection

This Naked Mind Methodology, among a number of things, is built on extending grace and compassion, and  underpinned by science and curiosity. All of these matter whether you are considering your relationship with alcohol purely regarding the science of the substance, or you might be curious about your thoughts developing due to society, or whether you have more regular drinking habits which are underpinned by your self-beliefs. So where does this fit with the importance of connection and the value of community? 

As a certified coach with This Naked Mind Institute, my drive for Your Desirable Life Coaching is to provide coaching for individuals who need someone to hold space for them when they are going through difficult transitions in their lives and have found themselves using alcohol, food or other behaviours to numb or escape their thoughts and feelings.  Providing that space in a one to one setting can work for many, but there is a significant amount of evidence that being part of a community provides much needed support, connection and development which lends to this.  This is relevant to life in general, with research suggesting that people who have an active social life and are joyful may live longer lives (1) .Studies have indicated that this could be down to stress buffering among other things.  You can read more about this in this journal article :Social Support and Longevity: Meta-Analysis-Based Evidence and Psychobiological Mechanisms (2) 

In 2015, Johann Hari gave his famous TED Talk :Everything you think you know about Addiction is Wrong (3). He summarised saying, “The opposite of addiction is not sobriety. The opposite of addiction is connection.” In it, he also refers to Gabor Mate’s (4) work, which many of you will be familiar with. If not, please see my downloadable booklist of quit lit and wellbeing books. His research is phenomenal. 

What is most striking to me is that when we go through hard times, we can bounce back as well as the tools in our toolbox allow us to. If we don’t have connection of someone to hold space for us when those things feel too much to bear, and we also don’t have the self care tools in our toolbox which are really responding to what we need at that time, we often resort to the bar or the bakery. These are seen as acceptable ways of coping – at first. But what if distracting from our feelings actually means we aren’t processing them the way we should? When other people understandably get back to their busy normal lives, what do we do? The pain isn’t processed, the wounds aren’t healed and they maybe think they have listened, but in actual fact they haven’t really heard you at all. It’s easy to see how even when people try to “Drink Responsibly”, the number of units on the bottle become irrelevant even to the most capable, educated people. It’s just that some people can find ways to access that support they need, to connect with another human, open up and break down all those layers of shame and guilt which have layered on top of their pain.  

Some people have guard rails that stop the obvious addictions taking place, but do we really know what goes on behind closed doors? When we look at what happens with dopamine in the brain, the things we are drawn to (and our children are drawn to) all create abnormally high spikes of dopamine and that makes us want to do it again. Books like Dopamine Nation (Lembke, 2023) are eye opening to how this reaches farther than alcohol, nicotine or other non prescription drugs.  Triggers, reminders, anticipation and cravings are explored in the video below (5). It could be your smart phone, online shopping, that particular brand of ice cream or some other kind of ultra processed food, sex, television or gaming, just to name some. No Class A listed drugs there, eh? The reality also is that there is no specific addictive gene. It is not the person, but the substance that creates the dopamine spike, and dopamine (the learning molecule) tells us “do that again”. So maybe there is less need for demonising labels and more benefits to community building for all of us – and for our children. 

We have a fear of feeling our feelings, but our bodies are made to cope with them. I can vouch that this can be excruciatingly painful. We need to learn healthy ways to sit with them and express them - and the only way out is through, even if it is just one molecule at a time. (6)(See my free Healthier Coping Strategies download)  

Having community with others in different ways brings us joy and connectedness no matter our circumstances. As a woman, reaching a “certain age” and having seen the life I struggled so hard to build and maintain no longer exist, and to start again and create something better after facing significant loss and change, I still sometimes marvel at the fact that I am now happier than ever. I know myself better and I accept and care for myself in a completely different way than I ever did. That is thanks to the people who truly held space for me, and my own determination that I deserved to have the life I desired. That included having boundaries in relationships both with people and also with alcohol. Now I can drink as much as I want – but with improved self care and understanding of the substance, I have absolutely no desire to.  

“I think midlife is when the Universe gently places her hands upon your shoulders, pulls you close, and whispers in your ear: 

I’m not screwing around. It’s time. All of this pretending and performing – these coping mechanisms that you’ve developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt – has to go. 

Your armour is preventing you from growing into your gifts. I understand that you needed these protections when you were small. I understand that you believed your armor could help you secure all of the things you needed to feel worthy of love and belonging, but you’re still searching and you’re more lost than ever. 

Time is growing short. There are unexplored adventures ahead of you. You can’t live the rest of your life worried about what other people think. You were born worthy of love and belonging. Courage and daring are coursing through you. You were made to live and love with your whole heart. It’s time to show up and be seen.” 

Brené Brown (2018)(7) 

Reach out, meet people, join groups, be that person who holds space for someone else. If you need someone to hold space for you, being part of a group can really support that, whether it’s an art or knitting group or something else. Find a therapist to deal with your past or a coach to help you work with your mindset and look to the future – but connect! If you want a sign, here it is. Just find a group or club on something you like, get brave and do it! 

If you want to join Brit Quit Does Lit, a free facebook group created by myself and other British This Naked Mind Coaches, please feel free. Even if you just want to be part of the community and dip in an out of the chat and wellbeing books, there are others already in the group purely for that purpose. And if you like Quit Lit, it’s also a place where we’ll have plenty opportunity to share about that too – and you don’t find that easily! https://www.facebook.com/groups/britquitdoeslit 

Who knows, you might not only find new people you enjoy spending time with - you might find some parts of yourself you like too! 

Love 

Coach Susan x 

(1) https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/news/hsph-in-the-news/active-social-life-longevity/ 

(2)https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8473615/ 

(3) Everything you think you know about Addiction is Wrong: Johann Hari 

https://youtu.be/PY9DcIMGxMs 

(4)Gabor Mate: Addiction 

https://youtu.be/ys6TCO_olOc 

(5) Dopamine Nation: Finding Balance in the Age of Indulgence with Anna Lembke  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n2u8Z1HeKD8 

(6) Navigating Difficult Times with Compassion: Understanding the Temptation of Alcohol and Exploring Healthier Coping Strategies (YDL Download) 

(7) https://brenebrown.com/articles/2018/05/24/the-midlife-unraveling/